As I sit here with a cup of coffee, embracing the little noise around me but recognizing the silence, and for a moment, I get to ask myself: ๐พ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐?
I know Iโve said the day before that tomorrow is another day to begin againโฆ
But what does it mean ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ง?
How do you move forward from everything thatโs been going on in your life? Because, honestly? I have already reached the breaking point.
The heartbreak and loss, the burnout, the betrayalโall in one season of your life. So, how do you begin to imagine a life moving forward when everything about life has been so exhausting?
How do you begin to move your step forward when every time you try, the weight of the trauma you experience from people you used to love and trust is always present, bearing the wounds that do not heal?
I am afraid I am at a point of feeling the “๐ฎ๐ง๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ข๐ง๐ .” Like welcoming all the worst, and my only defense is to ๐ง๐จ๐ญ feel at all. I am already at the edge, feeling so tired, so defeated, yetโI DONโT CARE. Let it come, and let it come like a storm.
Every blow, I flinch and ask, “Whatโs next?”
Every heartbreak and loss, Iโll tell myself, โOkay, whatโs next?โ
Every betrayal, it came as no surprise; I smile and just whisper, โAgain?โ
I want to lash out, I want to cry, I want to punch people in the face and make them realize I am human too, but no, nothing ever came out, maybe because the world already runs me dry.
Halfway through my cup of coffee, I still find myself smiling, grateful for today, even though I donโt know why I am still given another chance to live.
Or maybe, this is it?
๐๐จ ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ง is to feel this heavy and this empty.
๐๐จ ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ง is to keep on reminding myself that as long as thereโs tomorrow, and I am still in it, then that would be enough.
๐๐จ ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ง is not about not feeling the pain, but recognizing that I have been wounded, because I am meant to feel, and to feel is not always good, it has its bad, and sometimesโits worst.
๐๐จ ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ง is to be uncertain of my place, and to never have clear answers to the question of โWhatโs next?โ
And just as I sip the last drop of my coffee, I find my peace in the thought that maybeโ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐ ๐๐ข๐ง is not about beginnings perse, or moving a step forward, but rather the path to coming home to oneself; to rediscover ones self-worth, to redeem every loveโs loss by loving oneself more, to forgive oneself, and then when readyโto love again, and then trust again.
But, how do you survive the cycle? Just like how I survived and keep on survivingโ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐, you will, too.
โ
*image: bill ringer / unsplash
